20 Comical Failed Drug Test Excuses

Posted: April 03, 2018

Person working in drug test lab

Smart employers across the globe are running background checks on candidates as part of the hiring process. Often, these background screenings are paired with drug tests, and for good reason. According to the 2017 Quest Diagnostics Drug Testing Index™, positivity rates are at 12-year high. Most organizations don’t want employees who use illegal drugs in the workplace or who show up to work impaired. Many employers in certain industries also perform random, unannounced drug tests on current employees when permitted to do so by law. Often, drug testing is one of the last elements a recruiter needs to fill a position. Those candidates and employees who have positive results are always looking for ways to beat the tests—or offer lame excuses if they come back positive. So, just for fun, here are 20 of our favorite amusing failed drug test excuses our team has heard. You can’t make this stuff up!

20 Comical Failed Drug Test Excuses

  1. Someone must have put something in my drink at a party.
  2. I’m taking a new diet pill that is probably why I tested positive.
  3. My prescription wasn’t working, so I doubled the dose.
  4. I never actually inhaled marijuana, don’t know why it showed up in my system.
  5. I have a prescription, I just can’t find it right now.
  6. There was something under my sofa that was white and on a plate, so I tasted it to see if it was rat poison.
  7. I started new birth control. I think that must have triggered something.
  8. My girlfriend smokes pot and we were kissing – I must have absorbed it that way.
  9. I was at a concert last week, and people around me were smoking pot.
  10. I ate a poppy seed muffin for breakfast.
  11. Someone else must have gone and tested under my name, because I haven’t even gone yet.
  12. I haven’t used marijuana since I was a teenager – It must stay in your system that long.
  13. They must have mixed up the cups at the lab!
  14. I ate THC cookies accidentally, but don’t smoke.
  15. I took meds from Mexico. They must have cocaine in it.
  16. It must have been from my new protein shake.
  17. Someone must have tampered with my urine.
  18. I got an aspirin from someone on the train – I thought I felt weird after that!
  19. I took my partner’s pain medications. My doctor said it was OK.
  20. I was told I would be laid off for several months. I wasn’t expecting to be tested.

Excuses When Trying to Alter a Test

We’ve also heard plenty of excuses when individuals tried to convince the sample collector that he/she wasn’t trying to alter a urine test. These include:
  • My urine is cold because I drank a milkshake.
  • I need to keep my bag with me for personal reasons.
  • I need to get something from my car.
  • Can my partner come into the bathroom with me? I need help with something.
  • I can’t go right now. Can I come back later?
And, of course, some individuals make fake urination sounds, then walk around and take a long time to open the door. Usually, these individuals have stored clean urine somewhere on their person to replace their own urine when the time comes. For observed collections, there are even “apparatuses” you can wear specifically designed to make it look like the urine is leaving your body. In any of these situations, a qualified, experienced collector will recognize excuses or suspicious behavior and note any issues with the collection on the form. Their employees have seen and heard it all, and they’ll have your organization’s best interests at heart. For more information on the drug and background screening services offered by Info Cubic, contact us today.